The Persistence of Time

How do we measure time? It's all relative, yeah there's 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour, but a minute waiting for the bus is not the same as a minute putting your finger on a hot stove (for example). The latter feeling much longer to grit through, not to mention idiotic (examples and logic are not exclusive).
No, when I ask how you measure time, I'm definitely not talking about scientific method, I'm talking about how measured the time feels to your psyche.

 Salvador Dali understood the relative nature of time.

I've touched upon this lightly before in the blog when I didn't really have much inspiration, but thought patterns are just that, patterns and I guess I'm back on time again (with vigor). I've been reading a lot of peoples' experiences online with acceptance, emotional recovery and other similar topics in relation to time because I'm hoping to map out my own expected 'due date'. I suppose you could say my due date is whenever I want, but that's forced; forced recovery is comparable to a band-aid. Natural healing is permanent although you can expect a few scars. Enough exposition, time to get to the point.

And that point is time. Truth is, our minds control (and track) the passing of time. Time is a man-made concept used to measure durations passing through life. It's effective, but what came first, our concept of time measurement as we lived or our lives passing ignorant of time? The mind of evolved human beings has tracked time since the earliest stages of history. It's part of a coping mechanism we've developed although we're not sure why. We've perfected the calender, we know there's 24 hours in earth's rotation, and our tracking of time allows us to make goals; does this mean it's the same to us all? Definitely not.

I'm having a shit week, everyday passes slower than molasses on a glacier. You're having an amazing week, everyday shoots by faster than lightning on speed. Yet seven days have passed for both of us, 168 hours, etc. So what's different; our minds perceived the passing of time very differently because of what our psyche was being put through. Pain of any kind, distress, confusion, routine and many more contribute to slowing time down in our minds as we observe the passing of time, but the truth is there are no set rules to follow here (even as I do my best to understand them). Excitement may cause anticipation which in turn slows time.

You better identify...it's a cat!

The real clincher here is that if the passing of time is controlled by our mind's perception then the more we think about the passing of time, the slower it seems. So people who tend to think more about time and it's passing will in fact experience time at a different pace than those who don't. People who are oblivious to time are actually involved in an incredibly crude form of time travel; Doctor Who eat your heart out. My friend and yours, Albert Einstein had this to say about time.

"...for us physicists believe the separation between past, present, and future is only an illusion, although a convincing one." - Albert Einstein 

So when we wonder how long it will take for a process in our minds to take hold, we are asking the wrong question. We shouldn't wonder when we will move on, when we will heal, when we will be at peace. People will give us advice, they'll give us durations from personal experience and these are guidelines and awkward ones at that. The questions we should be asking start with "if," "how," and "why" because "when" is relative, fluid and changing every moment we ponder it.

The amazing thing about people is that no one thinks the same. We may come to some common ground on topics, but no one's minds are completely in sync and it's therefore impossible to assume things like time are uniformly the same for everyone. A month for me is not a month for you, a year for me is not a year for you.

The fabric of time does not fit us all in the same way, for some of us it chafes.

Nothing Eternal Without Commitment

So I recently had the opportunity to re-watch a film that really impressed upon me when I first watched it. At the time (around 2006) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind stuck with me because of it's visual representation of a love story between two very different personality types. I enjoyed it for being different, but I don't think I really understood the depth of it's message and it's commentary on real life relationships at the time. I can tell you now, with a little more experience under my belt that I'm of the opinion it's probably the most realistic representation of a romantic relationship I've ever experienced (surreal setting and all). It pulls no punches when it shows the ugly side of long-term relationship problems and how they come about. I'll be talking about the film in depth quite a bit, so I suggest if you've not seen it...you do and if you have read on.

SPOILERS FOLLOW

...by all means watch the film if you haven't.

Expect beauty in surreal situations.

The story follows the emotional introvert Joel (Jim Carrey) and the creatively charged Clementine (Kate Winslet) dealing with their harsh breakup after a longterm relationship. Clementine, described in her own words as impulsive, decides to deal with it by undergoing a new process which selectively erases memories. She erases Joel completely from her mind. Upon discovering she has done this, Joel decides to deal with it in the same way. Much of the film takes place in Joel's memories of Clementine as they are slowly being erased from his mind as he sleeps.

This leads to many dreamlike imagery. 

The real eye-opener for me after the recent viewing was how his memories are erased in the order of most recent to the earliest possible memory of Clementine and what that exposes about couples. See at first, we only see the shit that Joel and Clementine put each other through. They fight constantly, are irritable with each other and bored to death in each other's company. Meanwhile, the audience is thinking, isn't this a love story? Yes, it is...it's just a very honest one. Later on in the lifespan of relationships, two people who love each other might be be prone to risk of love auto-pilot because of how secure they are in the relationship. We do this with our family and friends too. It's that way with ALL relationships, we get comfortable. It takes a lot at this point to always be on form, because we don't even stop to think we're in a rut.

Anyway, getting back to why I bring this up. As we begin to move backwards into Joel and Clementine's relationship, we witness their memories getting more and more tender because they were very much in love. Joel soon discovers that he doesn't want to forget these better memories and wants to stop the process. Now he realizes he doesn't want to forget Clementine, even if their relationship became unbearable. So he begins to attempt to hide her in his memories. What follows is the discovery that a love once shared will always remain secure in our memories.

When we go through hard times we immediately do stupid shit to forget our memories. We take up smoking (then immediately quit *winking smiley face?*), we go to places we shouldn't to distract us from our current location in life, we go through random hookups to bury the bad memories with shallow new ones; whatever we do to forget, we don't realize that the bad memories may not ever go away, but in time we will rediscover the good memories too. Then we will be happy we never forgot them because they will become a source of strength and not of hurt.

It took this film to give me another piece of the puzzle of evolving. Slowly the picture is becoming clearer and clearer; all part of the progress and improvement that we all go through growing up. For some of us it's automatic, for people like me...we have to think, rationalize and understand every intricate process that happens within us before we're at peace. Sometimes I think the automatic would be easier to drive.

In the end of the film (after a lot of confusion), Joel asks Clementine to try again. Clementine explains they should never get back together because they'll just fall into the same patterns, but Joel looks her straight in the face and says, "Ok" which makes Clementine happy. The fact they are aware and at peace with that happening means that they are free to create more amazing memories together and perhaps, when the love auto-pilot sets in, deal with it together. That commitment is at least one facet of true love, one I'm excited to find.