No One Likes a Smartarse, Nietzsche.

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Your mustache is irrelevant, I wish you were too.

What a tool. You ever get that realization that someone you've always despised for being so damn cynical is actually wise about one of his damn cynical quotes? Well I've just had that realization and I can tell you as much as I dislike it, accepting new knowledge and wisdom is (tainted) enlightenment. If you're the sort of person who grew up with happy endings or rather enjoying happy endings, you know the sort.; the lovable loser overcomes his demons, the antagonist and still walks away knee-deep in love interest. When you grow up with that sort of hope ingrained in your psyche, finding out the reality is real endings don't happen, you tend to get frustrated.

You're waiting for the ending, the resolution, the plot twist that unravels everything into sense; it doesn't come, but that doesn't stop you hoping. You wait and writhe in hope, it's all you have left. You feel it the most when you're alone because what else can you do? Then Nietzsche para-bombs in and wrecks your shitty excuses and dreams with the sad fact that you are in fact miserable in hope. Truth is, the only resolution in your life you'll ever have is death (sounds like something Nietzsche might say). Everything up to that point is just exposition on a life you're living until you don't (so do your best, I know I will).

The dude speaks truth.

Okay sorry, time to turn this around now. Hope sucks right, it alone can trick you. You'll chase shadows, you'll become content to sit and wait ("a resolution is coming right?"), you'll kid yourself into believing you have some sort of control. Hope alone sends many a man to the sirens. You need something more than hope, you need resolve and man let me tell you...there is such power in resolve (over 9000 in fact)!

Growing up, I really admired Vegeta's stupid resolve to better
himself, his reasons were a bit suspect though.

Yes, the official hero of hope is resolve. What do you want? Go get it, do it now! Resolve is our true hope, because we can determine what we want and just get it the hell done, no hope required. My hope conflicts with my resolve. I resolve to accept no less than I deserve, yet my hope has me thinking I want less or rather to go back to the only life I've ever known. So push on, keep your eye on the prize, get it done, go for it, break a leg on the your goal's face. Wreck yourself, make mistakes, break hearts, just for the love of yourself do something, keep some steel and resolve. What resolve does, it enlivens action. Action doesn't give a rat's ass about hope, it just does what it's meant to do and the consequences are what's left. Hell, you could quote me on that.

"Resolve in action is the most volatile of realities because it doesn't give a rat's ass about maybes. There's always a result with resolve." - David R. Knott (not eloquent, but who listens to eloquence these days)

Yeah Nietzsche, turns out you're only good for one thing.

Yeah, I just stole a mustache, looks good if you ask me. 

The Social Deathtrap

Chances are, if you're reading this, then you belong to a social network. Seeing as the only place I link this blog is on Facebook, you're on Facebook. Unless you're a random visitor, welcome. With proper consistent access to the internet anyone might find themselves part of a social network. Twitter, Facebook, forum or MSN, you're connected to other people pretty much constantly through these social networks. Even offline they have the ability to see your activity. I think we can all agree that is both a scary prospect and one we will continue to allow.

I'm not going to go into the why of social networking, we just do; we always have and we always will. I'm talking majority here, I've met more than a few people who swear off social networking and they might just be the smart ones...no offence. What I will delve into is perhaps the implications of being so closely weaved into people's lives without always being able to participate in them ourselves or in some cases being excluded altogether. Also, some other dangers cause by social networking that were not present in relationships of the past. A bit of a meaty subject, slightly salted with cynicism complete with a side of personal experience.

Bon appetit bitches!

Remember that time where if you did something regrettable to or with someone, you'd just pass that person by in life, learn a lesson and move on? Well no, neither do I in my adult life, but this used to happen all the time. I'd imagine in the 80s more than any other decade, seems a lot of people from the time have regrets about hair and clothes and stuff. What are they talking about, I love the 80s.

Today however, because of social networks, you might get caught up with the person (or situation) on a social networking site. This leads to photos, wall posts, friends of friends and an entire plethora of semi-permanent reminders that are there for all the other people in your life to sort through. No longer are your problems your own. Okay they definitely are, but you're so weaved into the fabric of the bigger picture that it's there for everyone to gander. As we've learnt from nature, observed behavior is not natural behavior. Any problem is only perpetuated by the wake of reminders, we can delete them or set the privacy level higher, but even that is an action that will carry with it certain implications.

In the past, you'd collect memories in a private photo album, store that away and pull it out when you were feeling nostalgic. There was a process to this that allowed reflection. We don't have that anymore, it's instant good or bad. We hear about intimate personal life changing stuff on the web and most of us brush it off, but what if it's not something we're supposed to hear. I mean, IS it something we're supposed to hear? Engagements, breakups, hookups, weekend retreats, jobs, getting fired, we all share things we'd usually have to meet up for drinks to discuss.

TMI!!!

Personally, this bigger picture, the connections through connections is really having a negative effect on something I'm trying to learn a lesson from. Everytime I'm in the clear, them albums come up or I hear about a sharing of a friend through a friend. It really slows the process of moving forward down, feels like an ichor of tar holding me down. Being so connected and so distant at the same time means I can't respond. It's not a phone call, it's a telegram.

Infamous telegraph time.

But it's the human condition to share. I do it, we all do, and we've all had it done to us. We deal with it as we can and the one consolation about social networking is that we're all definitely in it together, good or bad. It builds communities, it builds relationships, but also how we share can create the illusion of a relationship when it only exists in an online format.

Unplug your internet, unplug your friends.

Waking Up After Lost Time

So I let the blog slide quite a bit, got caught up and lost space and time. This instance was on a micro-level of approximately 5 days. What am I talking about? In Science the faster an object moves through space, the slower time passes for said object...or so the theory goes. What I'm proposing is that this can happen to our inner psyche too. For example when you're bored time slows down because you're moving through life slowly; time flies when you're having fun.

Trolling time and space since the 1st Dimension.

Anyway, I guess I've had a chance to formally sit down and write a blog and although I had my sights set on facing a demon in my hero, I will put that aside for another day. Today, I'm not sure what to write about. One second, I'm going to try find some sort of inspiration.........

Bit of inspirational tunes?

Nope. Not today and that's okay because there's 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week for all eternity...until I die. They can't all be winners. I've have been making progress on another front that is exciting, being a certain screenplay I blogged about. I'm at least a third into the first draft which is still early days, but the writer's block I had has been destroyed.

For the curious, I'll post the screenplay up when it's finished on the blog, or at least a link to download it. That way you can see the formatting of a screenplay and be entertained by a classic display or good vs evil in a contemporary setting; well maybe, they can't all be winners.

The Life and Times of Luc Besson

Picking up where we left off yesterday (you've no excuse to just go read it), where do we find our legend today? The legend being Luc Besson to recap. Well, how about a brief history lesson about Mr.Besson so that you can share in the experience of how he came to be. I'll divide it up into neat bits too, for easy consumption. I'll only consider the full length features that he directed to keep the list accomplished. 

EARLY BESSON

In which Besson grows as a writer/director.

Le Dernier Combat (The Final Combat)

With nearly zero dialog and maybe two minutes of music, this post-apocalyptic survival film relies almost entirely upon plot to move forward. Yet showing his love of character, Luc Besson is able to drive the film forward on a mute protagonist we root for only through what we see of him. An amazing film no doubt and well worth a watch.

Subway

Not going to lie, I need to watch this one again. I really enjoyed it, but the last act of the film always felt incredibly messy to me. Having only seen it once though I can't judge it. The plot centers around an enigmatic man who happens upon sensitive documents and hides out in the Paris Metro subway. While there he gets into a lot of chases, falls in love with a mobster's daughter and starts a band. Yeah, bit messy, but really a bit of light fun.

The Big Blue

Luc Besson's parents were diving instructors in the south of France and as such he grew up loving underwater life and photography. So when he made a film about two life long free-diver rivals, he pretty much knew what he was doing. With a strong question on our perception of life and death along with the idea that we cannot be great without a strong rival pushing us ever forward, this film should have shot right over my head at the age I watched it; the way it presented itself though was simply so watchable though that those ideas were planted in subconsciously. Entertaining film, the ending has stuck with me to this day.

Nikita

A homeless crack addict is caught up by the French secret service (of sorts), forced to be trained and become a deadly secret agent and is then put undercover in a perfect life. Eventually she is called to drop her perfect life (the one she'd imagined would be perfect when she was nothing but a homeless crack addict) to complete her mission. I think Luc Besson really found his niche of action, drama and comedy with Nikita. It's not an easy balance to get, but part of why I think he is amazing is that he does it so well. Ignore the fact that this film got turned into a lackluster American series call Le Femme Nikita, the original has no comparison.

PRIME BESSON

In which Besson shows his full potential

 

Leon: The Professional

Technically speaking the best movie Luc Besson has EVER made, even I can appreciate that (even though it's not the film that changed my life). If you haven't seen this film, you need to drop that sandwich you're eating right now and get it. I don't condone piracy, but well do whatever it takes to see this. Story centers around Matilda, 12, lives in one of the most dysfunctional families you'll see on film. Bitch sister, whorish mother, goblin drug dealing pops and sweetest little brother. Of course when the entire family is slaughtered by a crooked cop (the amazing Gary Oldman) who can she find shelter with? How about a child-like professional assassin as good as he is at his job as he is at drinking milk.

Flawless movie, just flawless. Besson weaves drama into balls-to-the-wall action into questions of morality into comedy into...

The Fifth Element

I covered this film yesterday, so you're welcome to check that out. To recap...fucking tops.

So I have a theory that Luc Besson had this one amazing story he'd been aching to tell since he was a child. That story was The Fifth Element and when he finished it as early in his life as he did, he probably didn't know how to top it. I sometimes fear that accomplishing the life goal you set for yourself invalidates your life from that point on. You've done what you've come to do...now what?

The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc

So Luc Besson decides to take on a historical story of epic proportions. Maybe because he was bankrupt on stories at the time having completed The Fifth Element, maybe he wanted to tell someone else's story, who knows. It's actually one of my beloved Besson films, while being destroyed by critics. I found it to be a compellingly ambiguous argument for and against the notion Joan of Arc was actually sent by God to save France; or was she a raging religious crackpot. Some standout performances from Dustin Hoffman and Vincent Cassel make this a film well worth watching.

Then suddenly Besson stopped directing films altogether. I remember during the time I was anticipating his next film and it never came. I kept holding on until 8 years later when...

LATE BESSON

In which Besson seems to retire from himself 

Angel-A

Almost no publicity surrounded the release of this French only film, but to me it was an event worthy of the rapture. Eight years had passed since my hero had directed and now this came out. I wasn't disappointed. The film centers on a lovable loser, Andre, a troll of a man and his underworld adventures in the French criminal circles. Now with 24 hours to deliver 200,000 Euros he owes to a dangerous man, Andre stumbles upon Angela. Saving her life, she pledges her life to help him recover the money. As the story progresses, Andre slowly, through Angela, gains the courage to be the hero he never thought he could be. But is Angela everything she appears to be...or more?

I loved this film, it was like a breath of fresh air and I proclaimed the return of my hero to his rightful spot as the best director in the world, but I didn't realize it was already too late. For some reason the clouds gathered and Besson decided to give up on himself. Either that or he simply got soft in his old age.

The Arthur Series

There are three films in the Arthur Series. It starts with Arthur and the Invisibles. It's actually too painful for me to talk about so I'll link you the Rotton Tomatoes overview and it'll speak volumes I cannot bring myself to utter. Arthur and the Invisibles ( <--- the link) was the first, Arthur and the Vengeance of Maltazard (another link) was the sequel and Arthur 3: War of Two Worlds doesn't look like it's going to do much better. At just under 50% fresh rating BETWEEN 3 films...why Besson chose to devote 5 years to this series is beyond all understanding.

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec

I cannot pass judgement on this film until I see it, but from the little I know about it I'm too afraid to watch it. It seems the balance of drama, comedy, action and good concept that Besson seems to master during his prime has warped into an imbalance of camp comedy and no-risk action.

My biggest fear is that I start to resent Besson as a cautionary tale to myself about what happens when we accomplish our goals too quickly.

And so what is my point for this blog? Well tomorrow I'll elaborate on that cautionary tale, I'll lament on the passing of Besson as my role model and move forward with my own journey. Maybe someone will write about me like I have about Besson one day. I only hope I live up to their expectations. 

The Calm Before the Storm

The year, 1998, the year Google was born and the passing of Frank Sinatra. Our young lad having just had his mind blown by blue singing aliens, flying cars and a planet sized antagonist of pure evil stumbles out of the theater unsure of what he has just seen, but it will forever resonate with him.

Over time the lad came to know more about the circumstances surrounding the film and it's history. It made even more sense to him specifically. The director, a certain Mr Luc Besson, had written the space adventure story while in high school, something our lad had been doing up to that point as well (write an epic space adventure that is). The message behind the film, just as we need air, fire, water and earth to survive we also need love (the true fifth element), was so simple and yet could change the world.

Love was the fifth element.

The major life changing impact this film had on the lad was to guide his career of choice from aspiring novel writing to motion picture directing. This was the new goal, this was the new path chosen. The future sight landscape of his life cracked, morphed, transformed and came into clear focus. This single film bitch slapped his world into one fraught with hopes of Hollywood, the BBC or even French film production. He would become a director, write his space novel trilogy into a rip roaring space film trilogy and reach a perceived height his hero Luc Besson, whom he identified with so much to this point, had reached.

Once a legend, the Luc Besson.

To this day the lad still dreams of this, even taking major steps toward this goal. Hustled his way into a film school, graduated. Hustled his way into a film job, doing well. Now though the dream seems so much harder to obtain than it did to that 13 year old. Dreams are volatile that way though, so clear until you try to capture them...then tending to evaporate altogether. Unless you take steps to turn that dream into a reality through the use of goals you're doomed to the fate of Tantalus, forever thirsting and hungering for something unobtainable.

Eventually, you'll get that apple.

While these goals setting to capture the dream are fodder for another distant and hopeful blog (there is always hope), what comes next is the storm. As with all true and perfect stories, there needs to be a second act. One that takes this act and turns it on it's head.

That act is next.

Rabbit in the Headlights

Apathy is the slowest form of violence a person can inflict on themselves. Having something to care about, a purpose to follow through on, constantly bettering ourselves through reflection; without these things we are sure to hurt ourselves sooner or later. As is usually the case with slow forming problems, when you eventually realize you're neck high and sinking in shit you can find yourself either giving up or panicking. Apathy is what allows these problematic roots to weed their tentacles into the rawest corners of our lives and take hold.

So where does the violence come in. It's the realization, that split second when everything is alright to that next one when it's not. A punch in the face comes out of nowhere and heals quick; a slow cancer hides until discovered and then ruins more than just your day. The undoing, unraveling of all understanding doesn't slowly fade, it utterly devastates. The rabbit in the headlights isn't slowly put to sleep, it is brutally sent to the abyss. Anyone who thinks not caring will save them from hurt is either only kidding themselves or on a deeper level enjoys the pain, which is entirely plausible.

All hope is not lost. With slow forming problems and habits, there are always warning signs. If you find yourself recognizing them for what they are you're already on the first step to anti-apathy. Paying attention to these signs already shows a level of action most people kidding themselves have yet to take. The earlier you take the steps, the softer the blow will be. If you find yourself wondering about what decision to make, that's still effort.

The danger is deciding to do nothing, to watch the light at the end of the tunnel get closer not realizing that at the other end of that light is darkness.

Dodge This!

You see a situation, you've seen it a hundred times before, you may have even experienced it yourself; what are you supposed to do anyway? The human condition immediately defines things it sees and turns it into experiences. When drinking cold tea by mistake or accidentally touching a hot plate don't you find yourself stop at one point and think, "Oh this was like that one time I..." etc. Well that's the mind trying to filter the information into sections that you can comprehend and then experience in memoriam. If your mind can't filter it because it is a new experience, then nine times out of ten it will create a new section and that first experience will become your definition. Notice all the italics? They mean I'm emphasizing those words. Now you try it. :) Thanks for humoring me.

ANYway, so what? What's the big deal with defining experiences? Well. For one, we borrow a lot from people. You've probably noticed a friend telling you a story that their friend told them that happened to this one guy...well those stories become our truths. Don't give lifts to strangers cause you'll probably end up dead. Well, probably, but I've never experienced that truth for myself. So we're influenced more or less by other people. Bless them they don't mean to make your mind up for you...in fact if they do, all the better for your brain cause it might not have to make up it's own section.

I don't mean to come off snarky, I make the same mistakes and probably more so, it's human. Now I find myself at a point where I'm looking for a definition and suddenly as if by miracle...nothing. I don't know if my mind has run out of space for new categories, but there was no defining anything and you know what that did ironically? It blew out a new wing for new categories. Everything is new, all is as nothing.

Ok now the point of the blog. I think defining certain things in your life help you understand your situations and I think it's up to each one of us to decide how we look at things. Some views are automatic, some are obtained through practice, but most of us at some point in our life will come to a conclusion and when that happens we almost certainly know how it's going to end (at least we think we do). And when that happens we almost see things we didn't see as if by magic. Suddenly that friends laugh you laughed with so much is the most dreadful sound you ever heard, all examples don't worry friends...no one's getting ripped into here (promise). It's just like the flick of a switch because that's how the mind works, because by defining things around you, you make them so in a vicious cycle documented below.

We create our world without knowing it, so what if we knew it...what could we do then?

Understand, categorize, conclude, experience, repeat. More or less. :)

I'm teaching myself to experience everything for the unique context, tone, whatever adjective works, that experience is. My second cup of coffee one hung over morning or the order I put my shoes on any given day. No matter how mundane the act, we've done it a thousand times before or never, it's STILL different because it's happening today, now and that's never happened like that before...planned or otherwise. Prove me wrong.

With that thought I leave you this night, I will sleep like a baby now and never again...who could know for sure? :)

PS: I'm trying to think what pictures I can scatter through here to break it up. Let me know if my choices were sound, should be interesting.

Not Quite Sure What This Is

Got a bit inspired by the weekend. Experimenting with some gritty poetry Charlie Sheen style, hold onto your hats folks and get ready to click your fingers to the groovy beat of the soul. (So dry)

Cool daddio.

Journey
-

And so it came to pass, time continued on. There was no stopping it; there was no holding it. You cannot keep something you cannot see yet we capture it still in our hearts and pray it does not taint. Time, the immovable force of change; the bane of quiescence violently uprooting memories and planting hope, false or otherwise, that tomorrow may be better, brighter and here sooner than the hurt we escape today.

Then through rapid succession of fate, faith and fragile abandon, we find ourselves outside of the hole we dug and somewhere unfamiliar. Hopelessly lost in our naive expeditions we move forward and challenge our dreams with reality. And so with great fortitude we do not falter, we do not surrender; tomorrow we say will be better, brighter and sooner. We escape the hurt.

Just as good memories can become as taint, so too can hurt become as growth. The scars teach us, the pain guides us and we find our way; in time.

Sometimes I can't believe it; I'm moving past the feeling.

-

That's it. I don't know what constitutes good or bad poetry, but by jove this was jolly sincere, so sue me.

OH and credit for the last line goes to Arcade Fire's The Suburbs, it's more or less the tl:dr of the entire thing and they might take the whole sue me thing literally..

Thanks for reading.

Do It Now! Quick!

I am impulsive. Go home there's nothing to see here. We're closed for the day.

You can thank the green part for all your impulsive fails.

Not good enough? Fine, let's talk about what it means to be impulsive and why someone might be be driven to do things without thinking about them. I thought this topic was going to be pretty straight forward. An open and shut case of, you're impulsive because you're not very smart, end of story. Turns out impulsivity is a very real neurological topic that many scientists have taken their time out to understand (how kind of them)

The story is that impulsive people tend to be ADHD, bipolar or have substance abuse problems. I don't have any of those chronically although I'm sure we all have them in varying degrees. The function of being impulsive in normal behavior is as a survival method. You're standing in front of a pool. It looks freezing and jumping in will help you escape the heat of the day. If you stop to think about how cold it might be or how deep the water is; getting in becomes a lot more difficult than say just jumping in impulsively. Maybe not the best example, but you get what I'm saying.

Oh hypothermia, what fun!

Impulsive behavior can be split into five categories. Positive Urgency; you're feeling good about yourself so you buy that awesome cellphone (except you already have one). Negative Urgency; someone you care about seems down so you rush to save them only to find they not down and you hurt yourself more. Lack of Premeditation; you jump into a rock pool without checking how deep it is and break every bone in your leg...genius. Lack of Perseverance; you decide you're going to start doing gym, but two days later you stop. Sensation-Seeking; you're a bugchaser and you're GOING to die a horrible death. I'm sure breaking it down like this has made it easier for you to identify because I'm sure we've all done impulsive things.

Be sure that you will still make impulsive actions, good or bad. Go with it, if the consequences bite you then deal with it because that's who you are. We are the sum of our actions. As long as we're sincere about our goals, taking stupid actions only adds to our sincere nature. The people who can't forgive us aren't worth it.

Eye Contact, Not Eye Contacts

Two guys about to get into a scrap, a pair of strangers across a room, a victim praying for mercy from their perpetrator; all of these situations reach a certain apex when it happens: eye contact. What is it about the human condition that makes eye contact so powerful. We can all argue that a tight...whatever you prefer being tight, on a person can attract us to them, but when we make eye contact things reach a whole new level.

In some ways I could be overstating the power of eye contact, but I have come to realize firsthand that no one can ignore you if you hold their gaze. If you need to break a language barrier, make eye contact and the receiver will listen to you regardless of whether they understand you or not (the language thing is your problem though). In my work I have to talk to a lot of strangers, strange being the operative idea here. At first it was frustrating because they wouldn't listen and put themselves and others in danger. After a while though I noticed that forcing eye contact with them before explaining the situation would really get their attention and most times they would listen to me.

The flip side is that sometimes making eye contact is the worst possible thing you could do. If the person is already aggressive making eye contact with them will make you their new target of aggression; like a game of "Tag, You're Dead". It's impossible to know with some people what they are feeling inside, so eye contact is a bit like Russian Roulette, you just have to hope they're not loaded.


Learning to make eye contact can be intimidating, but it's, for good or bad, an effective way to get noticed. People respond to you, remember you and a connection is made. Just a word of warning though, don't make eye contact for too long, it just might make you seem over-confident and slightly creepy.


Talk about creepy, I share this with you.

PS: Apologies if I miss a day or two, I'll make it up to you guys. :)

A Pointlessly Honest Approach

Gather round boys and girls, I'm about to tell you a story about inhibitions lost. If there are any amount of typos in today's blog it's probably because I'm fighting back an amount of...well looseness if you know what I mean. Tonight I had maybe one to many or indeed just enough.

See tonight, after work, I went out and I had a good time. I drank without worry about being the sober one. I spoke my mind like there was no tomorrow (which unfortunately there is and it has a 5am calltime). I went out to drown my sorrows and realized in the depths of sorrow that there wasn't much sorrow there at all. Of course right now there is an area in my life a part of me wishes it still had, but on the whole I'm having this certain level of freedom that feels like I've broken out of Arrested Development.

Up to this point in my life I was lacking in the practical things in life. I was not utilizing my potential in my career, passion and ambition in work. If I felt down in that area, I always had the crutch (the so called love of my life) to catch me. Turns out that's not really a good place to be. When I lost that crutch it became a case of sink or swim. It just so happens I'm swimming! Sure I wish I had that crutch and a large portion of me wishes to be held and loved like before, but for better or worse that crutch is gone for good and so be it.

I'm discovering myself all over again, what I like, who I am and why I have so much to give. Being dependent on someone can be a wonderful experience if that person believes in you, but if that person drops you like a bad habit and you don't believe in yourself...then you're pretty much done for. I felt that way for awhile, but I know now that I am worth more. I have a lot to offer and I am going to be happy by myself. I don't deserve to be beaten down and I will find myself and someone who loves me for all I am.

Be privileged, this is as drunk as blogs get and as honest as a person can be. I don't know exactly who I am at this point in time, but I'm looking forward to finding out. It's NOW that this blog will get interesting and I will dissect my own character to discover what I'm capable of and I thank you for sharing this most personal moments with me.

PS: Canada, I love you. :)

Act Two

As I stood on the Llandudno beach set this evening (was working on an advert) soaking in everything, the sunset, the waves, the cheesy music playing for the actors to pretending to be happy; I came to a conclusion. The universe is a talkative bitch.

Everywhere I looked I saw symbolism, some obvious others contrived, but then the thoughts were there. The actors with their fake kid playing on the beach "happily", reminded me of the fake future I foresaw. The waves that no one could stop if they tried. The beach dog Max, I made friends, playing with a palm branch before losing interest and leaving it in pieces. A sunset happening before my eyes at that very minute, not thinking about the future.

Yes, the universe was talking and talking. I told it to shut up, my path is set and making small talk with fate isn't going to change it. The parts are in play, the wheel in the sky keeps turning and all life is a stage and the show must go on.

While I feel fear the universe is pushing me into some place I don't want to be, fighting it would be as pointless as pushing the waves back into the sea; I should just surf the mofo.

That's the downer, now the upper. Aside from seeing this shit the universe tries to thrust down my eye sockets, I am happy. Being a writer, I believe everything works best in threes. Three Acts, a beginning, a middle, and a resolution...I don't say end because often the resolution is the best part. God knows Lord of the Rings' resolution lasted a good two hours.

Act one was me growing up with a certain set of morals and ideals. I wanted to be one of those people that found true love and grow old with that person, probably because I was raised by a single parent. I had a school friend I was "friends" with for 2 years, but I secretly liked her a lot. Then she moved away and I was left alone. I promised myself the next time I'd be more to the person I "like." Then the innocent stage happened. The part of the movie where everything is perfect...but we all know it can't last. See good stories need conflict and that conflict was rising. I was stuck in Act One, until finally I was violently destroyed by my demons.

Now I find myself at the beginning of act two. The part of the story where our hero knows what he must do, the part where he knows where he failed, the part where he prepares himself to overcome the odds once more. I welcome this act whole heartedly now where before I was still holding onto act one. I want to now embrace act two to discover how much of a better hero I can be. A hero can never overcome himself if he cannot understand his weaknesses and now with closure to act one, I am ready to see what happens next.

Act three? Who knows, who cares right now. I suppose that act will be about how I come to terms with who I am, I have experienced life for myself and I'm ready to settle into my own skin. I'm not going to rush to act three though. The journey is the destination.

So ends another cryptic blog about the thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis. I hope that there's people out there that can identify with me because that's one of the most important characteristics of a hero, identification.

The Narcoleptic Burglar

Hey guys, today I'm going to break down a concept for a screenplay I'm working on at the moment. Brave or stupid maybe because just about anyone will have access to an idea to steal, but to be honest I'd be flattered if someone thought the concept was good enough to steal. Besides, ideas are free and I can always get more.

A petty burglar suffering from narcolepsy gets wrapped up in a domestic murder cover up involving a sociopathic security firm CEO.


Hows that for a log line? Now for a summary.

So the story goes Adam, our protagonist, resorts to petty crime because of his condition and general lack of motivation/self-confidence. During a certain burglary the occupants of the home return arguing, Adam meanwhile hides in a closet. Hearing the fight get more out of hand and violent he falls asleep from stress. Waking up later Adam tries to flee, but stumbles upon the body of a young woman. 


Upon escaping he decides to forget about the ordeal and move on, but his conscious weighs heavily as he seems to be the only one who knows what truly happened. The husband of the victim, Malc, is clearly deeply involved with the murder, but the investigation clears him. Adam now has to find away to bring the husband to justice without incriminating himself and staying one step ahead of Malc's personal security company and Malc's sociopathic mind games.


Will Adam be able to overcome the odds of his narcolepsy and bring Malc to justice?


So what you think? I'm about 6 pages in at the moment and I'm toying with the idea of making the film myself. I've included a love interest arc, but it's not relevant to the summary at this point; it will be when I'm done though. What kind of situations would you like to see?

Thanks for reading.

Random Pictures Day

Too tired to write an emotionally exhausting blog today, so now for some pictures! Brought to you by Rebecca Black.

I love sweet sauce!

Battle Songs

Ok, so I almost didn't get round to writing this blog today and you know what...I almost don't care, almost. I didn't think I had the time, but apparently I do. The biggest problem with an impromptu blog is I don't know what I want to write about, so the content is likely to be all over the show. I'm just writing about stuff as I think about it. This blog is for me by me though, so it's pretty much anything goes as long as it's interesting to read (not necessarily coherent) . After all this is my practice.

So there...hmp!

You ever have a life battle before? Whether it be a bully, an abusive employer, self doubt or even a rough test, it doesn't matter...these are the battles of life. It's that time when everything you knew, or thought you knew, was being challenged. It may not be your choice, you may have done nothing to deserve it; you're just the rabbit in the headlights, but it's time to fight or flight. What do you do? Who can you turn to? Battles can break us, but if you survive one you'll come out a better version of yourself, scarred but ready for more. Too many and you might end up looking like slack jawed dough, but the journey would've been fulfilling. That's the thing about warriors, their careers can end in a second, but just like any other job the more they experience and survive wars the better they handle themselves in the next one. They have tools too, the tool I'd like to talk about is the battle song.

Vikings were sensitive souls.

The battle song can be a song that suddenly speaks a new language that makes sense. It's a song that gets you motivated during tough times to take the next step good or bad. For me, that song at the moment is Ready to Start by Arcade Fire.

Ok, so hipster culture aside, this band has gotten me some very tough times...and even some not so tough times. How I know that this song has become my battle song is because where before I would just jive to it cause it sounded good, it now speaks for me. You've probably experienced this before at some stage in your life, but the feeling of a song speaking through you, to you; that feeling is such an emotionally powerful force that it can single handedly keep your mind focussed on the outcome of your battle. Whenever you hear it you can't help psyche yourself out and smile as you pretend to punch your fist through the imaginary barriers in your civil war.

Ag, so basically what is your battle song? Have you ever had one? Share how it feels.

Three Goals To Uno

Tomorrow will be Friday, which will bring to a close the longest week of my life. As you've noticed by my posts this week, it wasn't easy to get through, but I feel like I've come out of it all incredibly lucky and I am going to be happy and heal. So as I access the situation I find myself in, I have hope in my heart and a smile on my face.

Looking forward I have some goals I have set for myself, they do not have a deadline because it doesn't matter when they happen, only that they do. As discussed in my previous post, we must not live in the future, but that doesn't mean we can't set goals for ourselves. While the risk of not achieving those goals is disappointment, the reward for completing a goal for one's self is worth the risk. Feeling Kickass, self-confident and becoming stronger is the pay off.

I'm the only one that kicks my ass. :)

Goal Number One: Stay Who I Am While Maturing Into An Adult

Strange goal right? Well I'm going through some major changes in my life right now, changes that threaten to pervert some fundamental aspects of my life; some fundamental aspects of my life that I am proud of. Yeah, I have some areas of my life that should change and I don't mind growing out of those (I welcome it), but as I grow older there are some aspects of myself I want to keep. I'm a romantic, I'm in touch with my emotions, I have a good sense of humor (funny how you can't say that about yourself because everyone's perspective of funny is different, but I own this about myself...I know I can crack a joke), I have an imagination, I have hope, I have a level head and a big heart. These are a few things I don't want time to change. Believe me, there's more than enough reasons to become numb in the world today, but I'm human and I am proud of my humanity.

Goal Number Two: Continue To Work At My Passion

I absolutely LOVE writing, it's not even work to me. Conceptualizing an idea, putting it to paper, expressing myself through a chain of preplanned words (just like that) and sharing with someone or an audience a compelling tale; these are things I dream about making a career out of doing one day. Problem is in Cape Town at least, this is not realistic. I don't want to give up writing, but I need to think about the breadline from now on. I will never stop writing, I made that promise to myself at the beginning of this blog and I will follow through with that, I can still be happy if I choose to pursue something that might get me there without wasting my time. (Oh, but if you happen to know of any full time positions that requires a writer, by all mean...look me up)

Goal Number Three: Be Happy In My Own Skin

I do like myself, but I'm not always happy with myself. I make mistakes, I have aspects of myself that can be improved and that's without all the expected acceptable human flaws. Sometimes I don't even make mistakes and I beat myself up about that. When I let myself down, I tend to dwell on it. I have support to deal with this, but I need to rely on myself too. At first it will be difficult, but it will happen when it happens; I'm not too worried about it. Be strong within myself first so that I can be strong for others; I will work at it a little by little.

That's the three most important things I am setting as goals for myself today. From next week we'll be back to normal blogs, I hope these have at least been interesting and maybe you even got to know this random guy a little better. Thanks for reading if you did, you won't get this far if you didn't. :)

Future Proof By Living Today

You ever wake up after a really decent sleep to a world with just a little bit more colour? The tea tastes better, the birds tweeting outside are just as irritating (except you really don't bother to imagine shooting them with a tranquilizer) and the promise of your future excites you.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...(a long relieved sigh not a loud scared scream)

Today isn't going to be a fact driven blog, no sir. Today is going to be a concept driven piece and that concept is new beginnings. There are certain stages of major change in our lives, some are scary, some are exciting and some are both. Most of them are obvious, first day of school, moving overseas, a new job, but some are less obvious. The less obvious ones can be hard because you come across feelings you're not prepared to have and they're confusing. If you lucky, you can identify those feelings and put your mind at ease. If you've been going through the confusing emotions for a while, identifying, solving and working through those feelings can really revive you like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart.

Or be shot by a Canadian... embarrassing.

So where do you go from there? Well first off you will naturally face doubts. Your mind has been in a certain mode for a long time and changing gears will take some getting used to. Taking it at your own speed is the best plan at that point. Do whatever it takes to feel good and then deal with that, then take the next step. I tend to think in terms of the future. I have been like that for a long time, it comes from having a passionate dream (which is NOT a bad thing, but you need to live in the now sometimes). Growing up looking forward to the future all the time can hurt you because the present blasts by so quickly and you've not stopped to appreciate it.

Today is the only day you need to live for today. Planning for your future is important, but you can still live today and plan for your future, balance is the key. So what does this mean for me? It means I'm putting my future on hold for awhile to discover who I am today.

It's the tl;dr of today's post.

I still have a future, there's no choice there. I know where I want to be 10 years from now, I know who I want to be with 10 years from now and I know what I want to be doing 10 years from now, but nothing I do today can insure that will happen in the future or if that is what I will even want 10 years from now. A good (best) friend once told me, you only disappoint yourself when you set your future ahead of your present. Each time you don't achieve a dream because of worry, you hurt yourself; so rather start off living today before setting your future standard too high (at least the last part is what I understood from the first part)

Thanks for reading, I'll check you around tomorrow because I got stuff to do...today.

Line of Love Has Been Drawn

Love has no rules, it's a free agent. It stalks the night like a shade and brightens the day beyond recognition. There are many feelings that may arise to partner up with love. Apprehension, confusion, guilt, joy and even hate can all rear their heads alongside a healthy does of love. Thing is, not everyone can describe in words what it means to love someone. I can try.

I know this is supposed to be scientific and interesting, but it's my expressionist blog so I will cry if I want to.
Firstly let's begin with the foundation for being loved...loving one's self. This is usually the most difficult part of loving because we can be our harshest critics. If we don't love ourselves then the love we receive might make us uncomfortable, we may question it's validity. To love one's self you have to confront and know one's self. This can be confusing, but luckily if you're attempting this then you probably have someone in your life that can help you. You only need to reach out to them.

Now that that is out the way there's a warning. There is a difference between infatuation and love, the one being like a sharp spark of affection that comes on strongly and the other lasting the ages for all time. Infatuation will seem a lot like love to begin with. Maybe it answers questions or provides insight, but you never know if you're asking the right questions. You're probably going to be happy in this state for awhile because it's really fulfilling, but it's a sprint to the finish. You may get the baseball stats of the person who you're involved with, but the important stuff wouldn't have had time to rise to the surface. When it does you may be in for a shock.

True love on the other hand is patient. It creeps into our lives taking hold of our hearts and comforts us. With true love, you take the time to get to know someone deeply and love them for it. You take all their flaws that you discover over time and you appreciate them as they come instead of breaking our backs all at once. The person you love becomes the most important aspect of your emotional center. They will provide safety, comfort and care as well as the all important passion. When love finally sinks it's roots into the core there is an apex and everything about how you feel makes sense. There's no confusion, there's not doubt, this is the person you want to be with.

I suppose it's obvious I'm writing this because it's a subject that's close to my heart. My passion will not subside, my mind will not falter and I will not give up. I promised this to myself and to her and, although I have weak moments, will stay strong for the both of us.

PS: NO PICTURES because this is a special edition. The words should be strong enough.

What's Emotions Got To Do With It?

Welcome back. Last week I touched on something that really interested me and I wanted to talk more about it, emotions. Or rather the purpose of emotions and why we evolved emotions. Firstly, before I get into it, animals do show emotions. Sad puppies and happy kittens are pretty blatant examples and a good reason to feature a cute picture on the blog.

Cats rule; dogs drool.

Now that that is out the way, let me explain that I'm not talking about animal emotions. I'm talking about human emotions specifically. Over time, emotions have evolved in us. As early man probably only had the capacity to show similar emotions to primates, it's interesting to think that there are new emotions that are being defined even today. Some early classics probably included, confusion, horny, anger, sadness. Today we still got those in buckets, but we also get jealousy, envy and the most important one of all, love.

But above all else...love.

We've had love for a long time, but for the puposes of science; what function does love serve? Well for one, love cannot be measured by science. Indeed it's as alien to science as yawning, we simply do not know how it triggers. We of course know how it works, chemicals releasing into our bodies working it's way through to the nibbly bits, but not how to trigger it. I, for example, cannot simply show you something and you fall in love with it truly, it usually happens through natural means (Sangoma or otherwise). Sure you may love it, but not be in love with it. And guys...this is not love:

Although it should be.

If everything in our bodies happens for a reason (sneezing and tears for example), then love serves a higher purpose. So what purpose does love serve? I think as human beings love evolved out of our need for being loved. For example, we can only love someone for so long, but if we do not receive the love back it fades and we try again. This is only a theory I have, so it's open to discussion. I'm in the mood to talk about this so tomorrow I'll unpack this subject a bit more.

Thanks for reading.