Act Two

As I stood on the Llandudno beach set this evening (was working on an advert) soaking in everything, the sunset, the waves, the cheesy music playing for the actors to pretending to be happy; I came to a conclusion. The universe is a talkative bitch.

Everywhere I looked I saw symbolism, some obvious others contrived, but then the thoughts were there. The actors with their fake kid playing on the beach "happily", reminded me of the fake future I foresaw. The waves that no one could stop if they tried. The beach dog Max, I made friends, playing with a palm branch before losing interest and leaving it in pieces. A sunset happening before my eyes at that very minute, not thinking about the future.

Yes, the universe was talking and talking. I told it to shut up, my path is set and making small talk with fate isn't going to change it. The parts are in play, the wheel in the sky keeps turning and all life is a stage and the show must go on.

While I feel fear the universe is pushing me into some place I don't want to be, fighting it would be as pointless as pushing the waves back into the sea; I should just surf the mofo.

That's the downer, now the upper. Aside from seeing this shit the universe tries to thrust down my eye sockets, I am happy. Being a writer, I believe everything works best in threes. Three Acts, a beginning, a middle, and a resolution...I don't say end because often the resolution is the best part. God knows Lord of the Rings' resolution lasted a good two hours.

Act one was me growing up with a certain set of morals and ideals. I wanted to be one of those people that found true love and grow old with that person, probably because I was raised by a single parent. I had a school friend I was "friends" with for 2 years, but I secretly liked her a lot. Then she moved away and I was left alone. I promised myself the next time I'd be more to the person I "like." Then the innocent stage happened. The part of the movie where everything is perfect...but we all know it can't last. See good stories need conflict and that conflict was rising. I was stuck in Act One, until finally I was violently destroyed by my demons.

Now I find myself at the beginning of act two. The part of the story where our hero knows what he must do, the part where he knows where he failed, the part where he prepares himself to overcome the odds once more. I welcome this act whole heartedly now where before I was still holding onto act one. I want to now embrace act two to discover how much of a better hero I can be. A hero can never overcome himself if he cannot understand his weaknesses and now with closure to act one, I am ready to see what happens next.

Act three? Who knows, who cares right now. I suppose that act will be about how I come to terms with who I am, I have experienced life for myself and I'm ready to settle into my own skin. I'm not going to rush to act three though. The journey is the destination.

So ends another cryptic blog about the thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis. I hope that there's people out there that can identify with me because that's one of the most important characteristics of a hero, identification.

The Narcoleptic Burglar

Hey guys, today I'm going to break down a concept for a screenplay I'm working on at the moment. Brave or stupid maybe because just about anyone will have access to an idea to steal, but to be honest I'd be flattered if someone thought the concept was good enough to steal. Besides, ideas are free and I can always get more.

A petty burglar suffering from narcolepsy gets wrapped up in a domestic murder cover up involving a sociopathic security firm CEO.


Hows that for a log line? Now for a summary.

So the story goes Adam, our protagonist, resorts to petty crime because of his condition and general lack of motivation/self-confidence. During a certain burglary the occupants of the home return arguing, Adam meanwhile hides in a closet. Hearing the fight get more out of hand and violent he falls asleep from stress. Waking up later Adam tries to flee, but stumbles upon the body of a young woman. 


Upon escaping he decides to forget about the ordeal and move on, but his conscious weighs heavily as he seems to be the only one who knows what truly happened. The husband of the victim, Malc, is clearly deeply involved with the murder, but the investigation clears him. Adam now has to find away to bring the husband to justice without incriminating himself and staying one step ahead of Malc's personal security company and Malc's sociopathic mind games.


Will Adam be able to overcome the odds of his narcolepsy and bring Malc to justice?


So what you think? I'm about 6 pages in at the moment and I'm toying with the idea of making the film myself. I've included a love interest arc, but it's not relevant to the summary at this point; it will be when I'm done though. What kind of situations would you like to see?

Thanks for reading.

Random Pictures Day

Too tired to write an emotionally exhausting blog today, so now for some pictures! Brought to you by Rebecca Black.

I love sweet sauce!

Battle Songs

Ok, so I almost didn't get round to writing this blog today and you know what...I almost don't care, almost. I didn't think I had the time, but apparently I do. The biggest problem with an impromptu blog is I don't know what I want to write about, so the content is likely to be all over the show. I'm just writing about stuff as I think about it. This blog is for me by me though, so it's pretty much anything goes as long as it's interesting to read (not necessarily coherent) . After all this is my practice.

So there...hmp!

You ever have a life battle before? Whether it be a bully, an abusive employer, self doubt or even a rough test, it doesn't matter...these are the battles of life. It's that time when everything you knew, or thought you knew, was being challenged. It may not be your choice, you may have done nothing to deserve it; you're just the rabbit in the headlights, but it's time to fight or flight. What do you do? Who can you turn to? Battles can break us, but if you survive one you'll come out a better version of yourself, scarred but ready for more. Too many and you might end up looking like slack jawed dough, but the journey would've been fulfilling. That's the thing about warriors, their careers can end in a second, but just like any other job the more they experience and survive wars the better they handle themselves in the next one. They have tools too, the tool I'd like to talk about is the battle song.

Vikings were sensitive souls.

The battle song can be a song that suddenly speaks a new language that makes sense. It's a song that gets you motivated during tough times to take the next step good or bad. For me, that song at the moment is Ready to Start by Arcade Fire.

Ok, so hipster culture aside, this band has gotten me some very tough times...and even some not so tough times. How I know that this song has become my battle song is because where before I would just jive to it cause it sounded good, it now speaks for me. You've probably experienced this before at some stage in your life, but the feeling of a song speaking through you, to you; that feeling is such an emotionally powerful force that it can single handedly keep your mind focussed on the outcome of your battle. Whenever you hear it you can't help psyche yourself out and smile as you pretend to punch your fist through the imaginary barriers in your civil war.

Ag, so basically what is your battle song? Have you ever had one? Share how it feels.

Three Goals To Uno

Tomorrow will be Friday, which will bring to a close the longest week of my life. As you've noticed by my posts this week, it wasn't easy to get through, but I feel like I've come out of it all incredibly lucky and I am going to be happy and heal. So as I access the situation I find myself in, I have hope in my heart and a smile on my face.

Looking forward I have some goals I have set for myself, they do not have a deadline because it doesn't matter when they happen, only that they do. As discussed in my previous post, we must not live in the future, but that doesn't mean we can't set goals for ourselves. While the risk of not achieving those goals is disappointment, the reward for completing a goal for one's self is worth the risk. Feeling Kickass, self-confident and becoming stronger is the pay off.

I'm the only one that kicks my ass. :)

Goal Number One: Stay Who I Am While Maturing Into An Adult

Strange goal right? Well I'm going through some major changes in my life right now, changes that threaten to pervert some fundamental aspects of my life; some fundamental aspects of my life that I am proud of. Yeah, I have some areas of my life that should change and I don't mind growing out of those (I welcome it), but as I grow older there are some aspects of myself I want to keep. I'm a romantic, I'm in touch with my emotions, I have a good sense of humor (funny how you can't say that about yourself because everyone's perspective of funny is different, but I own this about myself...I know I can crack a joke), I have an imagination, I have hope, I have a level head and a big heart. These are a few things I don't want time to change. Believe me, there's more than enough reasons to become numb in the world today, but I'm human and I am proud of my humanity.

Goal Number Two: Continue To Work At My Passion

I absolutely LOVE writing, it's not even work to me. Conceptualizing an idea, putting it to paper, expressing myself through a chain of preplanned words (just like that) and sharing with someone or an audience a compelling tale; these are things I dream about making a career out of doing one day. Problem is in Cape Town at least, this is not realistic. I don't want to give up writing, but I need to think about the breadline from now on. I will never stop writing, I made that promise to myself at the beginning of this blog and I will follow through with that, I can still be happy if I choose to pursue something that might get me there without wasting my time. (Oh, but if you happen to know of any full time positions that requires a writer, by all mean...look me up)

Goal Number Three: Be Happy In My Own Skin

I do like myself, but I'm not always happy with myself. I make mistakes, I have aspects of myself that can be improved and that's without all the expected acceptable human flaws. Sometimes I don't even make mistakes and I beat myself up about that. When I let myself down, I tend to dwell on it. I have support to deal with this, but I need to rely on myself too. At first it will be difficult, but it will happen when it happens; I'm not too worried about it. Be strong within myself first so that I can be strong for others; I will work at it a little by little.

That's the three most important things I am setting as goals for myself today. From next week we'll be back to normal blogs, I hope these have at least been interesting and maybe you even got to know this random guy a little better. Thanks for reading if you did, you won't get this far if you didn't. :)

Future Proof By Living Today

You ever wake up after a really decent sleep to a world with just a little bit more colour? The tea tastes better, the birds tweeting outside are just as irritating (except you really don't bother to imagine shooting them with a tranquilizer) and the promise of your future excites you.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...(a long relieved sigh not a loud scared scream)

Today isn't going to be a fact driven blog, no sir. Today is going to be a concept driven piece and that concept is new beginnings. There are certain stages of major change in our lives, some are scary, some are exciting and some are both. Most of them are obvious, first day of school, moving overseas, a new job, but some are less obvious. The less obvious ones can be hard because you come across feelings you're not prepared to have and they're confusing. If you lucky, you can identify those feelings and put your mind at ease. If you've been going through the confusing emotions for a while, identifying, solving and working through those feelings can really revive you like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart.

Or be shot by a Canadian... embarrassing.

So where do you go from there? Well first off you will naturally face doubts. Your mind has been in a certain mode for a long time and changing gears will take some getting used to. Taking it at your own speed is the best plan at that point. Do whatever it takes to feel good and then deal with that, then take the next step. I tend to think in terms of the future. I have been like that for a long time, it comes from having a passionate dream (which is NOT a bad thing, but you need to live in the now sometimes). Growing up looking forward to the future all the time can hurt you because the present blasts by so quickly and you've not stopped to appreciate it.

Today is the only day you need to live for today. Planning for your future is important, but you can still live today and plan for your future, balance is the key. So what does this mean for me? It means I'm putting my future on hold for awhile to discover who I am today.

It's the tl;dr of today's post.

I still have a future, there's no choice there. I know where I want to be 10 years from now, I know who I want to be with 10 years from now and I know what I want to be doing 10 years from now, but nothing I do today can insure that will happen in the future or if that is what I will even want 10 years from now. A good (best) friend once told me, you only disappoint yourself when you set your future ahead of your present. Each time you don't achieve a dream because of worry, you hurt yourself; so rather start off living today before setting your future standard too high (at least the last part is what I understood from the first part)

Thanks for reading, I'll check you around tomorrow because I got stuff to do...today.

Line of Love Has Been Drawn

Love has no rules, it's a free agent. It stalks the night like a shade and brightens the day beyond recognition. There are many feelings that may arise to partner up with love. Apprehension, confusion, guilt, joy and even hate can all rear their heads alongside a healthy does of love. Thing is, not everyone can describe in words what it means to love someone. I can try.

I know this is supposed to be scientific and interesting, but it's my expressionist blog so I will cry if I want to.
Firstly let's begin with the foundation for being loved...loving one's self. This is usually the most difficult part of loving because we can be our harshest critics. If we don't love ourselves then the love we receive might make us uncomfortable, we may question it's validity. To love one's self you have to confront and know one's self. This can be confusing, but luckily if you're attempting this then you probably have someone in your life that can help you. You only need to reach out to them.

Now that that is out the way there's a warning. There is a difference between infatuation and love, the one being like a sharp spark of affection that comes on strongly and the other lasting the ages for all time. Infatuation will seem a lot like love to begin with. Maybe it answers questions or provides insight, but you never know if you're asking the right questions. You're probably going to be happy in this state for awhile because it's really fulfilling, but it's a sprint to the finish. You may get the baseball stats of the person who you're involved with, but the important stuff wouldn't have had time to rise to the surface. When it does you may be in for a shock.

True love on the other hand is patient. It creeps into our lives taking hold of our hearts and comforts us. With true love, you take the time to get to know someone deeply and love them for it. You take all their flaws that you discover over time and you appreciate them as they come instead of breaking our backs all at once. The person you love becomes the most important aspect of your emotional center. They will provide safety, comfort and care as well as the all important passion. When love finally sinks it's roots into the core there is an apex and everything about how you feel makes sense. There's no confusion, there's not doubt, this is the person you want to be with.

I suppose it's obvious I'm writing this because it's a subject that's close to my heart. My passion will not subside, my mind will not falter and I will not give up. I promised this to myself and to her and, although I have weak moments, will stay strong for the both of us.

PS: NO PICTURES because this is a special edition. The words should be strong enough.

What's Emotions Got To Do With It?

Welcome back. Last week I touched on something that really interested me and I wanted to talk more about it, emotions. Or rather the purpose of emotions and why we evolved emotions. Firstly, before I get into it, animals do show emotions. Sad puppies and happy kittens are pretty blatant examples and a good reason to feature a cute picture on the blog.

Cats rule; dogs drool.

Now that that is out the way, let me explain that I'm not talking about animal emotions. I'm talking about human emotions specifically. Over time, emotions have evolved in us. As early man probably only had the capacity to show similar emotions to primates, it's interesting to think that there are new emotions that are being defined even today. Some early classics probably included, confusion, horny, anger, sadness. Today we still got those in buckets, but we also get jealousy, envy and the most important one of all, love.

But above all else...love.

We've had love for a long time, but for the puposes of science; what function does love serve? Well for one, love cannot be measured by science. Indeed it's as alien to science as yawning, we simply do not know how it triggers. We of course know how it works, chemicals releasing into our bodies working it's way through to the nibbly bits, but not how to trigger it. I, for example, cannot simply show you something and you fall in love with it truly, it usually happens through natural means (Sangoma or otherwise). Sure you may love it, but not be in love with it. And guys...this is not love:

Although it should be.

If everything in our bodies happens for a reason (sneezing and tears for example), then love serves a higher purpose. So what purpose does love serve? I think as human beings love evolved out of our need for being loved. For example, we can only love someone for so long, but if we do not receive the love back it fades and we try again. This is only a theory I have, so it's open to discussion. I'm in the mood to talk about this so tomorrow I'll unpack this subject a bit more.

Thanks for reading.

Genetics and Lack of Brain Matter

Substantial, hmm. I promised substantial. I know, what about a bit of fringe science I discovered today. Ok, so science is not my strong suit so I may get some terms wrong, but I've an earnest interest in it so I'm sure you'll forgive me.

The Penile Spine
I get your attention. Yes, well apparently we were pretty close to evolving keratinized penile spines. What the holy hell? That's not all. We also are around one gene away from sensory whiskers. The link is in the title, so I'll refrain from unnecessary quotes. We lost these spines because apparently it made "copulation" pretty quick which somehow led to a loss in human lineage. So spinelessness makes you less sensitive so you can go the distance. Think about that, we evolved in such a way to make sex less about reproduction and more about a possible emotional bond. Pretty hectic, evolution really set us apart from most animals.

Furries rejoice, we're one gene away from cats. Eish.

Phineas Gage
Gage was a railway worker in 1848, by 1849 he was a sideshow freak and science guinea pig. What happened within that year? Well a railway spike was blown clean through his head removing a large chunk of his frontal lobe. Surviving the whole thing somehow, Gage went on to live 12 more years before dying (redundant sentence is redundant). Whats remarkable is how much he changed as a human being without that part of his brain. Apparently he became profane, insensitive and numb in the social and emotional context and didn't know how to place value on money. In fact when offered $1000 for a hand full of pebbles, Gage declined because he couldn't place value on the pile of pebbles (this was an experiment). This single individual was the foundation of what we know of neuroscience today.

At least it wasn't a penile spine.

I think I'll leave it at that today. Perhaps I'll do more of these science themed ones. I'm a big fan of Theoretical Physics so maybe I'll stumble through some of that sometime.

Thanks for reading, see you next week.

The Lazy Post

So today was pretty hectic. I do extras (as in background artiste, baie fancy) work when I can and I got a sms for a wardrobe fitting this morning. Of course the fitting took place somewhere just off the M5. For those of you not from Cape Town, the M5 is currently a nightmare. There's an endless supply of jam of the traffic variety and they make it next to impossible to take exits with their temporary boundaries. What's the ETA on getting that main through-way done already Madam Zille?

Two head swaps two days in a row...not lazy at all.

Anyway, I eventually arrived at the fitting which lasted about 10 minutes before I was stuck on the roads again. I'm confirmed as a "stadium attendee" for two nights next week. Along with just about every other person in Cape Town I think. All said and done it should be fun, the film is called Safe House and it stars Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington. I'm happy to be there just for the opportunity, cause if we're given direction to chant and shout I know what I'll be shouting.

"MAKE DEADPOOL ALREADY!!"

So today's post was a bit lazy, hopefully I can make tomorrow a very substantial one. Not too substantial though cause I know the attention span of internet browsers, I am one myself after all.

Thanks for reading, until next time.

Winning!

Time to take a breather, what shall we dissect briefly this fair morn? What's the deal with Charlie Sheen?

Actually forget that question, what's the deal with the sudden media frenzy surrounding Charlie Sheen? Sure, he was the highest paid actor on American television (it's now Hugh Laurie for House for interest sake) and yeah, he was in the news recently because there was some domestic dispute over who gets to bast the turkey during Thanksgiving. I'll give you he does sound a bit messed up right now.

Gary Busey ain't got Tiger Blood.

Thing is, why should we care? Why should the general public have any right to know anything about Charlie Sheen's current woes? Is it because he is famous? I'm sorry, that's not good enough. When you got the media forcing themselves down Sheen's (and our own) throats like this you expect to to have some urgent significant meaning. Something that will greatly affect our lives if we do not pay attention. I'm sorry to say dead or otherwise, Sheen's life doesn't make a spit of difference to my own or I wager yours.

Can you imagine what would happen if the media threw themselves feet first like they do into celebrities into important political figures or influential warlords? Yeah, you'd have a few dead, imprisoned or castrated journalists. Except, that's the kind of reporting that might change our lives. Given enough pressure on the right places, politicians might be too piss scared to step out of line.

Assange wears this curtain from his basement.

Except, I suspect celebrities make easy targets. It's like Gulliver's Travels, pinning down the celebrity to the chair and forcing them to talk about their dirtiest darkest secrets. Then the attitude is, well they're celebrities it goes with the territory. Some deserve it, some are attention starved, others have problems. In the case of Charlie Sheen I suspect he might be using the spotlight to escape his current domestic situation. Should the media really give a junkie his fix? Well as long as you continue buying that Heat magazine they don't care. As long as you remain star-glazed (I'm trying a new word out) and entertained they don't care if they show the last minutes of Sheen's career and potentially life.

Keep the tiger blood strong and winning.

Freedom of Information

In China, the internet is monitored in much the same way booze was during the Prohibition. All the Prohibition did was make a place for criminals to thrive, causing more serious crime to creep in. People were murdered for bottles of whiskey where before people would just murder themselves with whiskey. So the Prohibition was a failure.

If there was ever a reason to start drinking...

That example is the same for what will happen on the internet if restrictions are imposed. The tighter a corporation or government tightens it's grip on the internet, the more desperate people will fight it. It's not a human right to have internet access, but it is a human right to be educated. Article 26.1 of the Declaration of Human Rights states: "Technical and professional education shall be made generally available and higher education shall be equally accessible to all on the basis of merit." 

Therefore China, a member of the United Nations, is actively committing human rights violations according to the UN's OWN documents. It's proof that a government looking to keep it's people on a leash only needs to remove information from the equation and this really hits home for us in South Africa. The longer the majority of South Africans are kept without education, the longer the country hangs in the balance of misinformed voters. Voters who might believe voting for one party over another will get you through the pearly gates. Voters who cling to superstition as a way to understand their world, I'm going to come right out and say superstition is stupid and reckless.


Situations like the following work for a country hoping the young remain uneducated so they continue making uninformed decisions.

Nevermind the ramifications of politics, without freedom to information we will continue to have bigger problems. Ever heard of witchdoctors advising men with AIDS to have sex with a virgin to be cured? Well now you have because that's a common understanding that is being proliferated by sages. The internet allows us to say, "Hold on, let's me check that out quickly." How many times have you self-diagnosed something you were worried about using Wikipedia? Wrong or otherwise, never take that for granted.

The only problem is finding the right advice, but that comes with practice...good luck. :)

For the Lulz - Part Two

So Anonymous is an internet Batman (closer to V from V for Vendetta, but I'm not going to assume you saw that) and it's fighting for the lulz.

The Face of Anon.

So what are the lulz. Fox News reports that it's the corruption of lol, seriously. Lulz is more than a twisting of a acronym, it's a lingering idea. Sure, it's usually laughing at someone's misfortune, but the people in question are usually people who deserve it. Scientology, Westboro Baptist Church (the "God Hates Fags" people), corrupt CEOs and even corrupt Iranian presidents are all examples of "victims" of the lulz. Sometimes the fallout can hurt people who don't deserve it, but I did explain Anon is a force of chaotic good. They don't get it right all the time.

Lately they've become more focussed, enabling freedom of speech on the internet and being an effective tool against corruption. These are things to be proud of. Acting against Scientology's attempts to silence critics of it's religion/cult/pyramid scheme. After a rigged election in Iran, Anon came to the rescue launching a website where people in Iran could speak out against their government without fear of prosecution (which is pretty harsh in that area of the world). Hell even Zimbabwe's website was targeted after the government there tried to censor the Wikileaks dump. Awesome example below:

There are too many instances of Anon fighting for freedom of speech to list here, along with some bad ones, but does what they do really sound like internet terrorism to you? Are they beheading journalists live on air?

If you ask me, I'd rather have these guys fighting for internet freedom than against internet freedom, but maybe that's just me.

The Lulz - Part One

Let me tell you a story, a story with no face or name or discernible origin. It started in many places at different times with many versions contradicting and harmonizing at the same time. I'm going to tell you about Anonymous.

Those of you who know OF Anonymous will be wondering, why would I stick it into the hornet's nest. Well honestly there's nothing to fear from Anonymous if you're not a complete moron because they're not after you, they're not after me. They are after the lulz, but above all else freedom to lulz. Which is similar in a lot of ways to freedom of speech. If I do get hit by anonymous for this post, it'll be for the lulz and I can understand the humor in that.

Here is a quick summery according to FOX News (fear mongering much?).

So what is Anonymous? If you've NEVER heard of them before, they could be everyone and anyone on the internet without an identity. If you use IRC or any forum, they could be anyone on there. Users with no concrete identification are "Anons" and have the power to close the pool, done goof and commit over 9000 sins. It's similar to the ideal behind Batman; if you are one identifiable man then you can be killed or corrupted, if you're an ideal or symbol they cannot stop you because the idea or symbolism will remain long after the single man. So coming back to the original question, what is Anonymous? The embodiment of chaotic freedom on the internet (chaotic good). The ideal that you should be able to log onto the internet and say, do or be anything you want. I'm sure I'm making them sound more romantic than they are, but you get the picture.

The flag chosen to represent Anonymous.

Anonymous started small, griefing (to purposefully frustrate) a teen social website called Habbo Hotel, blocking off access to the "pool" in that chat room proclaiming "Pools closed due to AIDS." Coincidently a few months later a real incident occurred when a 2 year old boy affected with AIDS was banned from a water park in Alabama; I'll allow you to draw your own opinions on that. Since that small movement, I believe even Anonymous was surprised at how easy it was to mobilize a force on the internet and since then have been fighting bigger and bigger targets, for the lulz (more on that later).

Pool's Closed due to Aids.

I don't want to bore you further if you are bored already so I'll end the blog there. Join me tomorrow as I wrap up this two part blog on Anonymous.

Something Special

In a world moving at just over 1000 miles per hour (even without the help of the internet), impressions aren't what they used to be. There's no time to really get to know someone. Social networking sites give you a photo with baseball card stats about someone, but then you don't know what you want to. Their thoughts on time travel, the afterlife or maybe even how they feel about Kanye West. No, there's no time for that.

There's no time! There's never enough time!!

In the real world (not on the internet), either a single impressionable idea lingers or you do, if it's the latter then I can predict the result. Because online you can always disconnect, but in reality disconnecting means the person is still there...awkward. So what's your thing? What sets you apart from the crowd? Well as an example, last year's Fifa World Cup did provide insight. Suddenly my neighbor was Argentinian (through his ex-wive's cousin's room-mate) or my colleague had suddenly become Dutch through...well he was Afrikaans so that actually made sense.

"Mamas" vs. "Cafe Owners" - Click here for more blooper videos

Demonstrating stereotypes in a lighthearted funny way.

The point is yesterday they saw themselves as the metal-head or the artist, today they were ancestral patriots (I won the ancestral lottery, my grandfather was Spanish). It's like a flip of the switch, a self-fulfilling role you choose for yourself. Even the "I-don't-care-what-you-think-of-me" roles end up being roles themselves, ironically.

Everyone loves the sociopath role!

You've got one word or idea, how would you describe yourself? Is it where you're from, your hobby, a skill you have or even what you do for a living? While it can never be enough to make you a fully formed three dimensional human being, it has to be enough for the stranger on the street. Yes, I'm sure people still use streets, internet or not.

Yuppies in Government

I walk into the room, nervous as hell. What if they don't like my idea? What if I was wrong and my concept is out of touch? "So I hear you're going to pitch something to us today?" The producers stare at me expecting my best Nolan-esque concept. So I start. "I want you to give me a lot of money, like A LOT. I'll fly shallow people around to world to places like Monaco and Paris and show off fancy houses no one normal will ever afford. I'll use an entire episodes budget on the host's suit and profile ridiculously rich and wannabe famous people."

"Get to grips with hair extensions." Really?

That's how I imagine things went down when Top Billing was pitched to the SABC; they went for it. In the world of the current economic crisis we still have this show and while it might have been a nice distraction in the world of ten years ago, it comes across today as being ever so slightly insensitive. One episode's budget of Top Billing could probably provide a large informal settlement with water for a year. Not that it's their responsibility to do that, theirs extends only to rubbing their wealth into all of our faces.

All jokes aside, Dr.Michael Mol is king of the douches.

Let me share a thought with you. Let's say you suddenly had access to R1 Billion or so and had no idea how to properly use it. Let's say you were of average intelligence, but didn't comprehend how interest, taxes or investment banking worked. Let's say you were Julius Malema and all of the above applied. What would be the biggest influence on your new found lifestyle?

An oldie but a goodie.

Now I'm certainly not implying Top Billing is the sole reason for our government's ill spending of tax payers money, but come on it's certainly worth speculating over! Top Billing is an SABC show and the SABC is an extension of the government! Get out your foil hats people. Yet the show only seems to be getting bigger and bigger. We now have a Top Billing type morning show, called Expresso, so you can wake up to Yuppies telling you how wealthy they are while arriving at the J&B Met in a diamond crested helicopter. We also have the Top Billing magazine for people who thought they could avoid self-important capitalists by not watching television.

What I'm saying here is not going to have any effect, but I just wish the producers of Top Billing would realize we're living in a country whose biggest concern isn't what model BMW Danny K is driving, but if they'll have food on their plate that night.

Of Shaving Cream and Spiders.

I didn't expect this morning I'd choke on my tea, but then it happened and I had to pass along the feeling to the rest of the world (if you don't drink tea then choke on something else for me?). I discovered this example of us evolving into spineless jelly-heads. ASA Withdraws "Cruel" Spider Ad.

Basically the tl;dr of it is the SPCA have asked the advertisement to be withdrawn because when a little girl's family freaks out over a spider and she calms the situation by researching spider disposal techniques on her phone before spraying shaving cream over it, it's considered cruel and unusual. What's cruel and unusual is how I butchered my English to get all that out in a single sentence.

Not getting a job as a graphic artist anytime soon.

When is enough political correctness enough? How long until the line is drawn? I shit you not when I say I expect to hear about some watchdog group fighting for the rights of office ferns in the future. I can see it now, "We feel the office fern is being unfairly kept indoors and exploited for a quick breath of oxygen!" I can imagine the SPCA PR team are pretty bored unless it's their version of Christmas (November 5; Guy Fawkes Day). What next, lobby against Doom/Raid? Fighting for the rights of sewer rats, locusts, mosquitoes?

To be fair there should be balance I don't dispute that, but it's hard not to see hidden agendas when this kind of story comes around. Perhaps this ridiculous action generates donations and publicity? It wouldn't be the first time someone acted like a total tosser in public to gain attention for a legit cause...this week.

It's almost as if watchdog groups are in a race with others to see who can become more human faster. There is a difference between being humane, being human and being a complete whack job. Humane is being compassionate and caring towards others, human is the state of being we share as a species (you can't be more or less human unless you are genetically altered that way) and being a complete whack job is complaining that disposing of spiders is cruel and unusual and that the insect is somehow self-aware (science so far shows no evidence that spiders are self aware thank God).

I am not against the SPCA or PETA any of these organizations, but I just wish they would stop to think about where their responsibilities end and us as informed responsible adults begin. As a sign of support I will put this really funny ad up from the SPCA.

Thanks for reading.

The Power of Cats.

Just to prove I'm not all driveling hate and disdain, I will write today about the mystical charm and power of internet cats. Yes, just about anything can be made better with cats (partly why I've made them a topic on the blog).

Oh look, a caption! I figured out how Kyle. :)

It's interesting that cats are so universally appealing and they have been throughout the ages. The example we all know about is the Egyptians worshiping them because they protected the Nile crops from rats and vermin, eventually leading the Goddess Bast being depicted as a Cat (or at least a rather unfortunate humanoid born with a cat head). Recently it's been discovered they were valued as pets over 9000 years before that in Cyprus. Pretty kiff, but I'm obviously not here to discuss history. Let's talk about the modern cat.

If the internet were a country, the sacred animal would be the cat. Try this yourself, go to Google and search images and type anything and cat. Chances are you'll find some sort of humorous picture with a cat in it. Cats are good for viral videos and anyone from your grandma to your parole officer is likely to link it to you in a chain e-mail. When the internet was still young and pubescent (who am I kidding, it's still pubescent), a little place called 4chan ran caturdays, which morphed into lolcats and has held staying power ever since. Try to pretend you've never heard of lolcats before...impossible right?

We know that cats are intertwined with the fate of the internet (ironically since the urban legend goes God kills a kitten everytime you masturbate and what is the internet most used for...statistically?). Can we measure the power of a cat? 48,478,784 million people watched a particular cat video on YouTube which is close to the total population of South Africa. Think about that for second, the entire population of South Africa took 4 minutes off to watch a bunch of felines slipping on tiles and chasing lazers. Humans have come a long way in such a short time. If there is one thing I'm thankful for however is that cats can't run for president, do mechanical car work or become lawyers. I think the human race as a collective would be tossed about like a cotton ball.

Shrien Dewani's new PR manager was almost too effective

I think today's post made some real ground breaking progress and wasn't pointless at all. What do you think? Love cats? Love pointless? Love pointless cat blogs? I leave you with a old favorite, all credit for it goes to my good friend Mr.Graham. Two cheers for fluff pieces.

YOU are not celebrities!

Strap in kids, this morning I bitch about something you (South Africans) are probably fully aware of, the YOU magazine.

But first, a mood setter:

Yes, South African celebrities (or Zalebs as they are affectionately called by the media) are known for many things. They are known for their houses, their families, their babies, their scandals, their "demons," but apparently their talent or lack thereof, isn't a problem. Ok, let me pull that punch and say most Zalebs (not all) are talentless hacks that ride on the publicity generated by magazines marketed to housewives who view life as they would a soapie.

So who will serve as my example? Steve Hofmeyr would be too obvious right now, Amor Vittone isn't worth the effort and Locnville is basically SA's answer to Justin Bieber except there's two of them and they are hip hop rap stars. There's a hit list of "Zalebs" I'd love to bitch about, but the sad fact is they have their fans and if they have their fans then they're entitled to their celebrity. Hell our country elected Zuma so who can say what is healthy for our country when it seems to be a sucker for punishment.

Now I know for a fact SA has some talented artists, but why are they never in the YOU magazine? Probably because they can rely on talent alone to make a fulfilling life for themselves or because they can keep their fans without a nasty divorce or showing off their homes in Top Billing (oh god that's a whole other blog). They're already making names for themselves in the international realm. We sometimes hear of these examples after the world recognizes their talent and then the local magazines are all over them like flies on shit.  If you knew what you were doing YOU would have found these okes before they left the country to pursue their dreams.

Slowly the worlds eyes are focusing on South Africa and I hope by the time we're exporting artists it's one's that we can all be proud of. Would you like to punt your favorite South African artists? Feel free to leave a comment on them and perhaps we can get them up here for a blog on real SA talent.

The alternative is:

Never Stop Writing

Backed into a corner even Gandhi would take an aggressive swing, I'm not lying he said so himself (I think). Point is, this is me backed into a corner. I'm pretty non-confrontational as a being, preferring to shrink into the shadows and imagine I strike back like a viper (I never do).

Instead of an aggressive swing, I've decided to write a strongly worded letter; "Please don't crush my dreams." If no one reads it, at least I put myself out there dangling in the wind like an invisible nudist or a mine.

Firstly, I'm a proud South African (for our international readers it's right next to Wonderland and just before Oz). Born and raised in Cape Town I've never left the province in my conscious life. "Gasp, horror, Wilhelm scream!" Yes I'm untraveled, but what I lack in experience I make up for in naive curiosity. If I like a place I research it, but now I digress. Point is no one can dispute my nationality, if I'm not South African then what am I? Limbonese?

Now that that's out the way, I'd like to say as proud as I am of South Africa there are certain South African tendencies I am absolutely fed up with! The drunk driving epidemic, the government that works more like a corporate business, the extremists on both sides, the political correctness that stifles freedom of speech, the nationalization of free speech, the crime, the You magazine "celebrities." I'm moody, lank moody and from now on, I'll never stop writing. I will express the kak out of myself and if you're along to watch the freak show unfold, be my guest.

If you're frustrated, angry and want to vent to the world then this blog is for you.

If you're Steve Hofmeyr...then you might not want to come back here.