Epilogue

I've been wondering what to do with this blog for awhile now since I don't feel it's relevance in my life anymore. It was an exercise, it was therapy, it was one oke's way of figuring out life's little mysteries. Little mysteries like, what does it all mean, is balance what we need when the truly remarkable are unbalanced and how can I be the star of my own life if I can't even identify with the lead.

A soundtrack to the end.

For the most part I got my answers and they are contained in 50 posts more or less. The following story is pretty much the context for Lank Moody and why it's coming to an end. I might flesh this out further in the future, but for now this is the companion piece to the life and times of my own existential blog.

Cogito ergo sum - The dork behind it all.

Lank Moody started in February while I was going through a very frustrating period in my life. I wasn't getting anywhere in my career after two years of indifference and my relationship was falling apart due to being almost 'too perfect'. I needed a punching bag and I found that in the local 'celebrity' scene. Ripping on Malema was fantastic as a diversion and I would kid myself thinking that "at least I got something published on the net." I still stand by my opinion of these 'celebrities' but I guess I've gotten some priorities in order.

A parody of a celebrity becoming a celebrity like those he was parodying in the first place. Great success.

In March the relationship that was threatening to fail did, and I pretty much took it as hard as I could. Lost 10kgs, didn't sleep properly for weeks and wrote (if I do say so myself) the most amazing blogs I've ever done...totally worth it. I was grieving as one would with a death except the ghosts were real, physical, breathing, laughing, moving on, etc. I was in arrested development so I lashed out in my personal life, drunk driving, promiscuous hookups and a car accident of such comically disastrous circumstances that I can only laugh about it now. This continued for a good few months before things changed almost over night.

Self destruction era indeed.

I rediscovered my personal passions that are film, writing, working and partying hard (with the added clause of responsibly). I decided the time was right to retake my family heritage, taking on my true surname Ward as a symbol for reinventing myself. Got my first job in the film industry in over 6 years, I was a production assistant on Safe House staring Ryan Reynolds and Denzil Washington. I felt confident in my abilities once more. Then I stumbled my way into an internship at the once great One Small Seed magazine. In a lot of ways the magazine and I shared a dangerous symptom, indifference, but I'm happy to report we're both coming out of it. (Issue 23 is fucking amazing JUST by the way). I got my first published writing credit for an international publication and everything started rolling out for me.

These days I'm more confident in myself, mostly. I'm becoming more of the person I want to be, the person I always was but too afraid to be. I'm happy with the results and stepping forward I realize I want to fresh start if I do write online. I want this to be my book of Genesis, round it off and begin with my Exodus (you needn't be religious to get that metaphor). To all the people and characters that have come and gone and remain in my life (good or bad) to this day, I thank you. You have all had a role to play and I look forward to many more scenes with you. As I grow, we grow and as we grow, so relationships are strengthened and made to last.

The best relationships start with mutual detest. 

And so today I say goodbye to Lank Moody, to all it represented to me. Therapy, the pillow to scream into, the stress ball to break my knuckles on, the much needed companion in my recovery. It has served it's purpose and with that I send it off as a Viking to Valhalla. It shall return as a memory to me perhaps in 10 years or when I need to reflect again on my life. For now though, there are other projects to pursue and different steps to take forward. Lank Moody, I appreciate you because I don't know if I'd be who I am today without you.

All the best
David Ward (formally and formerly known as David R Knott)

Way Out Is Through

My friends it has been so long, too long. I apologize for my absense, in fact I shouldn't even be here now. Luckily I love you, because I could've just as easily fallen asleep. Now I'm acting the fool, we all know I need this blog more than you do or at least, I did. Folks, I'm by no means a perfect human being, but hitting the 50th post is somewhat of a milestone in more than one way. See for the first time in my life, I'm feeling as balanced or as close to balanced as I've ever felt.

I'm enjoying my work, I'm enjoying myself, I'm enjoying others, I'm enjoying my past and I'm certainly enjoying my future. I've always been worried about writing the blog when I go through good times because who the hell cares about someone who is doing well. We'd rather they spit blood because that's interesting. Well I hate to disappoint you but I think I'm feeling entitled to a bit of good for a change.

I think I realized I'm there when I had a discussion with probably the most passionate person I've ever met. She loves what she does and is living just for that. It doesn't look easy in a real world snatching dreams up, but it seems like the purest essense of being without only existing. Anyway as we were talking I remember I was once close to being that passionate about my own future. What happened? Where'd I lose that? I don't think I ever did lose it. I think it was hibernating, waiting for a kindrid spark to set it off.

What a boom it was and it was magical. I spoke about my past and how it had broken me down, but she looked me straight in the face, stopped my runaway train of thought and said words that I wish had sunk in earlier. "You were set free."

Free is what I am, passionate is what I've found, being is what I am...and I'm feeling good.

Thanks for reading my 50th post, here's to many many more...if I find the bloody time.

Me and We

THIS POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY NO PICTURES BECAUSE BLOGGER IS BUGGING OUT.

I was having a conversation last night with two really awesome people, they know who they are. We were talking about how different a person's sort of modus operati is socially from being single to being in a relationship. It was a light conversation which brought my attention to the fact that it's something other people actually identify with. I wasn't alone in noticing the stark differences between the two.

Without any further ado, I shall list some of the differences I can think about. See if you recognize some of them. By the way, when I say We, I mean being involved and when I say Me, I mean single.

Me:

- Less forgiving to potential suitors.

- Bro before hos and sistas before mistas.

- Party more.

- Make an effort to see friends.

- Willing to make mistakes.

- Have fun by yourself out/Get Cabin Fever by yourself in.

We:

- More tolerant to our current partner.

- "I'll have to check with my girlfriend." (Don't know if this applies the other way round gender-wise)

- Warm night in watching series.

- Make an effort to see partner.

- Freaked out at making mistakes.

- Enjoy staying in together.

Now nothing on these lists are meant to sound good or bad, but rather both. They can be a good thing and they can be a bad thing. For example, too many warm nights in watching series makes that stale and if you don't communicate that, you could be a Me very soon. However, if you're a Me and you make to many mistakes, then you might not walk away from them while making the right mistakes means learning.

The fact is, the Me persona and the We persona both have their own schools of learning. Stuck in a We situation for too long and you won't know how to be a Me and you'll have to learn and/or catchup. Stuck being a Me for too long and you could become an insensitive womanizing arsehole (I've met my fair share). I'm not saying, you shouldn't be a We for long before breaking up so you can develop as a Me though don't get me wrong.

What I am saying is that even as a We, you should still make time to be a Me. Got out with mates, have a piss up and make mistakes (the right ones). It will do wonders for your relationship when you're a strong Me, because your partner will appreciate your confidence and strength in your own skin. On the polar side of that, even as a Me you should perhaps try out some of the MO of a We. Such as tolerance, avoiding the crazy mistakes and being considerate to others (as you might be to a partner).

And at the end, you can decide which works better for you, until you meet that one that breaks all the rules. You'll know that one when you meet them, but by that time you can throw all this shit out the window and just work it out.

The Good Stuff

Been away have I? Well kids I apologize, but I'm back with good news. Yes it's the good stuff. It's something I've been having a hard time figuring out, but it's way easier to gripe than it is to gloat, but today folks...I'm going to gloat. I'm going to list some of the things that are making me excited at the moment. Let's start shall we.

The Inbetweeners Movie

"You better bring your wellies, cause you'll be knee deep in clunge."

If you've not watched The Inbetweeners, then I'm sure you'd not share my enthusiasm, but that also means you have to watch The Inbetweeners...you'll cry laughing.

Short and Sweet Film Festival

Heyo, free advertising

Taking place over 5 weeks every Tuesday in Hout Bay, starting on the 28th of June, the Short and Sweet Cape Town film festival is going to be about whiskey and film...one of which I'm a massive fan of and the other I can get used to maybe I don't know let's check...horaah. It's 20 ront on entry, but if you too lazy to drive and/or want to meet people on the way, there's a shuttle that's 60 ront (including entrance) that leaves from Claremont and Long Street. I for one am not going to miss out. The films shown are short films and the vibe should be amazing.

The Dark Knight Rises

That's Tom Hardy as Bane. Great actor.

Christopher Nolan...nuff said.

Saul Williams

All credit goes to Gareth G. on this, Saul Williams is essentially a poet who decided to make music. Music he makes, trust me. Do yourself a favour and get hold of the album Volcanic Sunlight.

So right now, these are the current things that make me happy right now. I'm hoping tomorrow might have some pearls of something, but for some reason right now I'm too distracted to be solemn...maybe that's a good thing too.

Young Blood

Being Youth Day in South Africa, I got to thinking about my own current youth. It can be difficult to gather perspective on being young while...being young, but it's one thing I'm happy not to think about. It seems when we're young we dream about the future and when we're old we long for the past. When do we get to that middle ground where we feel neither young nor old. My guess is around thirty, but I've come to realize pretty much everything is perspective. Hell most of the time I feel too old already, even though deep down I know I'm still young.

Youth is wasted on the young. - George Bernard Shaw

See there's a lot that can happen in short periods of time, this I've come to realize firsthand. So being anxious about where I'll be in a year is pointless because who the hell truly knows. All I know is that as long as I keep active now with my best interests in mind, then it's hard not to have a positive outlook on the future without it ruling my life. Right now, I've not got all the answer. I'm not necessarily comfortable in my own skin. I'm still learning my limits and overcoming my fears. I'm working and growing to be a better rounded person.

An example of well rounded.

I sometimes wonder what I'll think of all this in ten years. I can imagine the thirty-five year old Dave logging into the internet through a jack into his brain. Check out the old blog, reading it all and laughing his ass off. Maybe that Dave will call his family over to join in on the joke. Who knows. All I know is for all that's happened in the space of three months, 120 months is a lot of potential to do great things. I can go faster, I can go slower. I can't time travel and I certainly can't stop time.

So this is a message to the 35 year old Dave; how was the trip man? I hope you bent the rules enough. You enjoying your job? If not, even 35 isn't too late to change that. You better have kept those priceless mates man or I'll come over there and smack you. Also, hows Team Fortress 4? Has Luc Besson finally gone back to his golden era or is he still producing drivel? Have you visited Tokyo yet (although I understand if you haven't with all the fallout)? What is the latest culture trash targets like in your time? Do you have cyber hipsters, revived emos or even neon chavs? Are you published or produced yet?  How long have you been climbing now? PLEASE tell me they still make Rainbow Chocolate Milk! Anyway, take this time out to reflect on the silly blog and your silly head, but remember even in 2021, it's not too late to change anything you want to change.

How interesting would it be to have a conversation with yourself ten years from now; imagine the paradoxes that might occur. Would make for great fiction...

My LSD

I bet you've had a dream so vivid before it stuck with you well after you went about your day. I did recently, but it was a one of those trippy lucid dreams, which is what I refer to by LSD. Not the drug, but my own Lucid State of Dreaming (so witty). Anyway, this post is not supposed to make sense, hell it doesn't make sense to me, but I don't mind sharing my weird brain.

So apparently I was invited to some sort of private Lonely Island concert. Great start. I was attending it with a buddy, but for some reason although I knew he/she was a friend, I couldn't tell who it was. I just knew it was a friend. We must've arrived too early because there was a massive line outside, but inside it was pretty dead. I remember thinking, there's only like 30 seats in here; how is everyone outside going to fit?

Anyway, we move to our seats in the back and guess who is there with like three random people, Ryan Reynolds. Like, huh? Anyway, I work up the courage to ask him about the Deadpool movie he supposed to make (I seem to be obsessed because it's invading my subconscious now). We go through a list of directors that would be perfect for the movie, Guillermo del Toro is one I suggested. I've never actually thought it, but afterwards I remember thinking, "Yeah, he WOULD be perfect." Anyway, Ryan Reynolds suggests David Fincher and politely I agree although I don't. I mean, you don't tell this guy he is wrong about a movie he is the only one keeping alive. On top of all this, I notice he is speaking with some freakish Canadian accent and not his usual straight sort of Californian accent. I know he is Canadian, but this accent was some sort of parody of Canadian accents. On top of that, he looks WAY older than I know he looks, but I only notice that as he suddenly disappears.

The concert hall side has opened up to some sort of Woodstock event of note. It is pumping and it is as colourful as an episode of the Care Bears. People are walking about all crazy on drugs I guess and The Flaming Lips are performing Pompeii Am Götterdämmerung on stage. I was thinking, "Hell yeah I'm at a Flaming Lips concert." Have no idea why I was at two concerts in one night, but there you go.

Anyway, I meet some sort of wandering sage. He is shouting at people walking by, "Who wants this for free!?" He has a capsule in his hand, so I assume it's some drug. For some reason I was feeling like a free spirit, so I ran over and agreed. He was happy to comply, but then I asked, "Is it safe?" and the sage hesitated. "Yeah man, it's the most dangerous drug there is." I was taken back, but almost felt challenged now so I proudly tell him I've have a blunt or two. He laughs in my face and I take the opportunity to snatch the pill; taking it immediately. He looks me blank in the face and says, "Your funeral man."

So now I'm waiting around some tents watching the show, waiting for something to happen. I mean, soon I should be freaking right out, but nothing. Just peace and music, but nothing crazy. Then without warning, I wake up. I remember as I woke up I had to take a minute to realize it was a dream after all. Was pretty damn crazy.

Anyway, I'm not looking for any symbolism, but I have weird dreams like this often. Maybe I should write them all down.

The Wobbling Plate

Balance, it seems, is about trial and error. That is of course if you aim for balance otherwise break your damn plate. Yes folks, today my metaphor (I seem to love metaphors) is a dropped plate. You ever drop a plate and it hasn't smashed? Okay, I'm not talking paper or plastic plates, so let's clear that up. As the plate hits the floor it begins to wobble and spin around and around. The wobble starts crazy and slowly balances out until the plate lies flat on the tiles. That's what happens when you're given a shock to your entire existence.

Funny, I happen to find a video with a demonstration.

So I was thinking, how would you stop the wobbling plate? How would you ensure the plate doesn't wobble out of control? I now realize, why would you want to. The only proper way to come to some sort of balance in your life is to wobble one way, see it doesn't work out, then wobble the other until you stop. If suddenly you just were, exist without experience, you're nothing but a shell of potential. You got no stories to tell, you got no lessons to impart upon others and you certainly are missing out of some exciting times.

Don't be the gramps who ain't got no stories to irritate the little ones with.

Having said that, it's possible to maybe go too far and break your plate. In other words do something you ain't coming back from. These include, killing a man, getting knocked up, incurable disease and wearing len-less specs. So if you find your wobble just slightly too much to handle, I can tell you friends help a lot. Some help you wobble more while others bring you to balance, but it's always better with company.

Well most things are better with company, not this.

By now I hope I've not lost you, because I realize if you don't get the initial metaphor (I wouldn't blame you) then this whole post is a pointless rant about good Chinaware.

Keep in mind, while we all strive for balance, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy the volatile times it takes to get you there. We all have our ups and downs, it's human nature, but take it as it comes and for what it is. Growth.